Building Community & Networking

Okay, building community and networking. What a great topic to talk about, especially with so many people moving to Nashville every single day! It can be so hard to start over with community, especially as we get older. Being a student builds in so many access points to meeting new people and making new friends, but aging makes that more challenging. It can be really hard to get to know people outside of work. Or maybe you’re not new to Nashville, but that’s also part of the problem. Maybe you find yourself walking in the same circles with the same people and you’re looking for some fresh faces. Hopefully I’ll have something helpful to share no matter which end of the spectrum you’re on. Also - the way I conceptualize “building community” and “networking” is that “community” refers to more of a personal circle, whereas networking falls more into the professional realm. So that’s how I’ll be structuring my thoughts around these two topics, although I’m sure you’ll find that there is some overlap. I’ll start with building community.

Let’s first begin with talking about curiosity. Would you consider yourself a curious person? Do you want to be more curious? Well, if you’re here, it’s because you seem to be interested in building meaningful relationships. You don’t want to have another conversation about work, or sports, or the weather. You are not interested in engaging in surface level relationships that actually make you feel more isolated anymore. You want to have meaningful conversations with someone, and you want others to have meaningful conversations with you. And finding that begins with curiosity. Research shows that people who are more curious experience more intimacy and feel higher levels of well-being and meaning in their lives. (Holleman, 2020). Sound like something you want? Me too! So start by being more curious about others. Look for the opportunities where conversation can take a deeper step, and ask more questions. If that sounds scary, remember that people want to talk about themselves. Not because they’re selfish, but because they want someone to show genuine interest in their lives, too. It’s a warm feeling to have someone take the time to get curious about you and your lived experiences. So take a moment to reflect on the last person you remember who took a genuine interest into your life. What questions did they ask you? Did you appreciate the curiosity they showed you when they asked more questions? How can you show someone else that same curiosity about them? Or perhaps what’s easier to think about is the lack of curiosity someone showed you. What did you wish they had asked you about instead? 

Curiosity shows love and humility, and who doesn’t want a friend who is loving and humble?! And if you’re looking for more or better friends, it starts with being a better friend yourself. So be curious about others, be willing to learn from others, and take genuine interest in other people's lives. And you’ll show others you’re open to being asked questions, welcoming more curiosity from others into your life as well. 

So let’s change gears to networking. This topic used to make me feel so… ugh, overwhelmed! Just me? I hope not! However, when you’re a new counselor in private practice trying to build a case load and get your name out there, you have no choice but to start networking! I have anxiety pumping through me to get my career started, and it can certainly be motivating, but still scary to get started. So, since I’ve been networking like crazy lately, I’ve learned a few things along the way and am excited to share my thoughts on this. 

Let’s start with small talk. Kind of feels completely opposite of the preceding paragraph about curiosity! But an important skill nonetheless. If you’re like me, making small talk is a little cringe because it can feel inauthentic, draining, and honestly just boring. If you feel similarly, please know I understand, and you’re not alone in feeling that way (hello, counselor here! I love talking about the deep stuff)! But, I had to reframe my relationship with small talk, and I’ve learned that it’s actually a really helpful skill to have, especially if you’re looking to start networking. But this is where your skill of curiosity can also really come in handy. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to only talk about yourself, because there are still plenty of opportunities to be curious about the other person when networking.

Some questions that help me in networking settings, but still show curiosity are (keep in mind these are all going to be counseling related since that’s the field I’m in, but I’m sure they can be adapted to fit multiple careers!) “What brought you into the field of counseling?” “What skills did you gain in your previous work experience that have helped you grow as a counselor?” “What areas did you feel your graduate program really prepared for you, and what areas do you wish you learned more about?” “What types of clients do you see?” “What was the supervision process like for you?” A lot of these questions could be considered small talk because they are neutral and general questions, but still give the opportunity for the other person to share about themselves. And as they answer you, you’ll need to listen carefully as opportunities to ask questions more personalized to them will come up as they answer the more general questions, and you can work your way into a more personal conversation. 

So, now I’m curious for you to take a second and reflect. What is your relationship with small talk? Do you dread it? Do you deal with it, but feel exhausted afterwards? Or do you think you’re actually doing okay at small talk? If so, where do you think there’s room for improvement? Wherever you are in how you feel about small talk, start leaning into practicing this skill and accept that it’s an important part of networking. What also helped me was paying attention to those who I experienced as “really good” at small talk and making some observations. What are some things they ask about? What do they share about themselves, especially early on in the relationship? What’s their body language like? Small talk is a practice, like many other things in our life. You’re not going to be great at it right off the bat (or maybe you are! I wasn’t!) but the more you practice it, the more natural it will start to feel. And working on a positive relationship with small talk will make practicing it a little more bearable. It kind of reminds me of yoga, or really any new exercise. Not many people can walk into yoga class and do crow pose. You have to practice it. And one day, crow pose feels easy, and the next thing you know you’re working your way up to doing a handstand! 

Another thought I want to share about networking is something called “weak ties.” If you’ve taken a look at my website, you’d see I have a book recommendation on my page by Dr. Meg Jay. She is one of my favorite clinical psychologists and I love reading her work because she specializes in working with 20 something year olds - an area I too am interested in specializing in. One of her books I always recommend to young adults is The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter - and how to make the most of them now.” However, the part I’m about to share is relevant to any adult looking to network better. 

Weak ties are exactly what they sound like. It’s a connection; knowing someone through someone. A friend of a friend type of relationship. Even if you’re new to an area, you know someone, and that someone knows someone else. There is so much strength in weak ties. You never know what could come out of a weak tie, so whatever connection(s) you have right now, as weak as you may think it is, use them!!! Lean into that connection (with your incredible small talk skills of course) and see where it goes. 

20 somethings, and really any human being, likes to be comfortable. They like to stick to who and what they know. But sticking too closely to the same groups can inhibit your ability to grow and transform. It’s when you step out of the usual group or routines that real growth can happen. Now I'm definitely not saying there’s nothing bad in relying on a tight knit group! We all need closeness and close friends. And great connections can come out of close friend circles also! But if you’re reading this, it’s because you’re trying to build your community. So think, what weak ties do you currently have? An old coworker? Someone you went to school with? A fellow church member? The same people you see at the gym every week? Someone even maybe your spouse knows or other family members may know? Weak ties are everywhere! Start noticing them, and start utilizing them. Dr. Meg Jay says “...weak ties give us access to something fresh. New jobs, new information, new apartments, new opportunities, new ideas, and even new people to date almost always come from outside the inner circle. That’s because weak ties know things and people that we don’t know. They have perspectives we may not have considered. Weak ties are like bridges you cannot see all the way across, so there is no telling where conversations with them might lead.” (Jay, 2024). Of course, you might feel resistance to this idea as well. I’d ask you why? Is it fear of sounding stupid? Fear of being rejected? Does it feel vulnerable to reach out? Or coming across as needy? Social anxiety? If the fear of talking to others and reaching out is so intense, and you find yourself staying isolated, I’d love to support you in gaining confidence and working through the barriers of what’s holding you back. 

If you’re still reading (thank you), I’d love to share a personal story about building community and networking. After graduation, I had taken 6 months off from school, and spent a lot of time at home. After about 3 months of not doing anything related to school or work, I knew it was time to start thinking about what was next for me. I started scrolling through Indeed, LinkedIn, etc. looking for a job. I was so overwhelmed trying to find one all on my own. I knew I needed to get back out there, so I decided to attend a luncheon at Nashville Psychotherapy Institute one afternoon in October. I heard all throughout grad school that connections and networking is really what gets people jobs. But as you can guess, I was dreading having to make small talk, and networking intimidated me so much! I felt vulnerable, and like I was going to be looked down upon for taking so much time off. During that luncheon, I had the chance to meet Jeannie Ingram, the old director here at Tapestries. I told her a little bit about myself and my schooling, and by the end of the luncheon she gave me her business card. The start of a weak tie - I had only met her for an hour at one event! But I went home that afternoon and Googled the practice on her card, and saw that Tapestries was only 20 minutes away from home. I also was so impressed with the team here, and the wide variety of backgrounds of each individual. I decided to fill out a form about joining the team, and was able to interview just a few weeks later, which turned into a job. I wanted to share that because I walked into that luncheon that day knowing no one, but I left with what I didn’t know at the time was going to be a future job. All just from one luncheon! So when it comes to networking, my last thought is to keep in mind that not every conversation is going to turn into something huge, but one did - and that was all that was needed. So take some pressure off yourself! Networking can sometimes be a “less is more” type of thing. While meeting new people and gaining more connections is never a bad thing, sometimes all it takes is just one really good one. So practice your small talk, be curious about others, and reach out to your weak ties.

References

Holleman, H., & Holleman, A. (2020). Sent: Living a Life That Invites Others to Jesus. Moody Publishers.

Jay, M. (2024). The defining decade: Why your twenties matter and how to make the most of them now. Canongate Books.