Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
This was the first book I read when I started seeing clients at Lipscomb University’s Counseling Center. And oh my goodness - I cannot recommend this book enough!! It is packed with truth bomb after truth bomb. An important thing to know right off the bat is that the author’s are Christian, and they refer to many Bible verses and Biblical teachings throughout the book. As a Christian myself, I thoroughly enjoyed this part. I felt like I was gaining a better understanding of both my field as a mental health counselor, as well as deepening my faith, and I personally live for the moments where my education and faith intersect. However, I strongly believe that regardless of your faith, there are truths in this book we all can benefit from. The verses are used to support whatever truth bomb is currently being dropped, so even if the verse means nothing to you, you’ll still learn so much. Stephen R. Covey says it best in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People when he states “…central to all enduring religions in society are the same principles and practices clothed in a different language” (Covey, 2020). I believe this to be true as well, which is why I think that regardless of whatever religion (or none at all) you identify with, anyone trying to learn how to have better boundaries and have more personal responsibility can benefit from the teachings in Boundaries.
Chapter 1, “A Day in a Boundaryless Life”, starts off summarizing Sherrie’s day full of chaos, fatigue, and ultimately little to no personal responsibility. She says yes to things she really doesn’t want to say yes to, yet feels like she “has” to, or else she’ll feel selfish. How many of us struggle with that? Saying no because it feels like we’re doing something wrong or not loving others well? Chapter 1 highlights how having no boundaries is ultimately a self defeating behavior, and we get a visual for how Christian faith can accidentally make us overextend ourselves. We all have unique gifts and skills, but when we don’t have boundaries to protect those gifts and skills, we’re not able to make as meaningful contributions to our friends, family, and community. And chapter 1 shows this through the story of Sherrie’s boundaryless life. The quality of her relationships with her children, her husband, and even her faith all suffered because of Sherrie’s misunderstanding of boundaries. Sherrie could be, and is, any of us.
After chapter 1, the book splits into 3 parts. Part 1 discusses why it’s difficult for people to set boundaries, how to start developing them, and dispels boundary myths. Part 2 goes into what boundaries can look like in the different areas of your life: friends, your spouse, children, work, technology, yourself, and God (or just your faith in general). It touches on literally every area of life. I would not recommend skipping chapters, even if you’re not married or don’t have children. There is something useful for everyone, no matter what phase of life you’re currently in. I don’t have children, yet I thoroughly enjoyed reading about the importance of letting children disagree with you, and giving them permission to say no. And the need for letting kids face natural consequences of irresponsibility because that ultimately fosters a sense of self control. Good stuff, even for those who are childless. Part 3, the shortest part, discusses how to navigate resistance towards boundaries that come from within and from others. The truth is, when you start implementing boundaries in your life, there will be others who are angry and won’t know how to handle it. Sometimes, it really could mean risking losing the relationship. But it’s a risk that may be worth taking, especially when it’s your mental health and quality of life that needs protecting. Chapter 15 takes a deep dive into this, and offers a lot of encouragement.
Lastly, the book comes full circle by finishing off with our girl Sherrie again. But this time, it’s a day in her life with boundaries. She’s learned how to say no, so she can say yes to the things that really matter. We simply cannot do any of the things we are involved in well when we’re trying to juggle too many things, so we need boundaries in order to be able to give our best to others. Her health, quality of work, family relationships, and involvement in church are all significantly improved. She’s able to get so much more out of life and the things she’s involved in because of boundaries. Her love for others is able to make the kind of difference she wants because she’s taken care of herself first. It’s the happy ending we all hope for when finishing a good book.
I think one of my favorite parts of reading this book was walking away with a very simple definition of boundaries: Boundaries are where others end and you begin. Once you’re able to define that space, you have the freedom to own it and do whatever you want! It’s literally like a white picket fence. Within your fenced in yard, you can do whatever you want (unless you have an overbearing HOA of course, but I digress)! And it’s so much fun and freeing to make your yard and space alllll yours. You can have that same experience every. single. day. with meaningful and accurate use of boundaries.
If you’re interested in getting started setting boundaries in your life, reach out to me. I love boundary work and look forward to having an opportunity to help you establish better boundaries in your life!
References:
Covey, S. R. (2020). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Revised and updated ; Powerful lessons in personal change. Simon and Schuster.