Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Do you sometimes feel like you’re the only one working to keep things together at home? Do you feel like you tolerate way more than what others tolerate? Do you feel under appreciated, unseen, unrecognized? Do you struggle to say no to something you really do not want to do, but say yes anyways because of excessive guilt? Feel like all you do is give and no one is giving to you in return? Is the only time you feel good about yourself is when you’re helping someone else? Been told you come off controlling? Feel like you never have any energy? Do you feel trapped in certain relationships in your life? Or struggle to communicate directly what you actually want to say? Struggle with anger? Miss being able to have fun? If any of these apply to you, you may be struggling with co-dependency.
From what I understand about the history of codependency based on this book, is that the term “codependent” was first used to describe those married to or in close relationship with an alcoholic. The “codependent” person was not the user, but the partner or family member of a user. These “codependents” enabled the use, without realizing it, and believed they were doing everything they could to support the user’s sobriety. I never knew that is where the term began, so I found that to be incredibly interesting! Today, the term codependency is no longer limited to just addiction related contexts, but used to describe other unhealthy relationship dynamics where needs are going unmet.
Probably my biggest takeaway from this book is the importance of learning to love yourself and falling in love with your own life. An underlying theme to the codependent’s struggle is being overly involved in and concerned about others and their lives. Many codependents believe they have a lot of the answers, and desperately wish the ones who are the object of their affection would just listen to them more. If others could just do it more “their way”, the pain of the codependent would go away! But unfortunately, this is just the opposite. The pain goes away when the codependent learns boundaries, lets go of whatever is out of their control, grieves when needed, learns to understand what is their own responsibility in life, actually feels their feelings all the way, and most of all finds the courage to unapologetically be themself. It is not selfish to care for yourself first; in fact it is the least selfish thing you can do for those you care about. Learning to tune into your own needs first (this can be done with the use of mindfulness and boundaries!) is the key back to healthy relationships again, and to actually having fun again in life!
This next point is probably difficult to hear for some, but absolutely necessary. Stop being a victim. In my own battle with codependency, this was a tough realization to accept, but the longer I denied it, the more misery I was bringing onto myself. The day I accepted responsibility for myself was the day I gained my freedom and happiness back. And this book makes it clear that victim mentalities keep a codependent, well, codependent. It might seem impossible to believe you have more control than you think, and even more impossible to actually take back control. But it is possible! You can live a life that is freeing, fun, and independent, yet still always caring for those you love. You absolutely can! If you think you might be struggling with codependency, I’d love to help you out of that cycle. I’d love to provide you with education, help you find the areas in your life where you need to let go, walk through whatever grief comes up as you detach from others, and overall rewire messages you’ve received over your life that caring for yourself is selfish. Codependent people have so many wonderful traits. After all, we really do care about others! And this book, along with the right kind of therapy, can help you learn to care for yourself first so you can actually care for others the way you want.